Autumn is an ideal time for all sorts of thoughts. Long evenings, a warm blanket and we together with our thoughts, which keep bombarding us just like special offers in a nearby supermarket. And on top of that the upcoming end of the year with its summing-up which can either maximally raise our spirits or get us down in a way we won’t have enough courage to make new plans for the future.
I’ve had a sense of life insufficiency for a long time, the more aware of the surrounding us world we become and the things which happen around us, the more we want to become a part of it, or just on the contrary, we would like to separate ourselves from that reality. I feel a growing need for a change in myself, reorganizing my life in a way to make the most of it.
Since I can remember I’ve never fallen within generally accepted standards of behavior and it has been really difficult to change me, it could be called a kind of life stubbornness which has both its good and negative sides. I’ve always perceived life quite schematically, first I should gain a good education, then get a good job and finally set up a family. Out of all these things I’ve just managed to get some education, but I’m not really sure if it’s a real reason to be proud of. Studies didn’t teach me any life resourcefulness or any practical skills. It’s true that I had a chance to listen to some wonderful lecturers who were talking for hours about the history and culture of English speaking countries, as well as about more mundane grammar or word formation. Unfortunately, I couldn’t call it a school of life, it was rather a protective shield, stepping out of which one could get really soaked.
I can’t come to terms with all this routine, since my zest for life is getting bigger and bigger. It’s like having the best piece of cake in the world, which loses it’s wonderful taste when we devour it everyday in a hurry without having any time to enjoy the variety of flavors coming from delicious filling or fresh seasonal fruits, which add some special freshness to the cake every time we decide to have it. In my case it causes a feeling of life claustrophobia, which starts bothering me more and more.
So I’ve fallen into a terrible routine, life in a hurry accompanied by stress and huge uncertainty related to my future. I lack time for the things which really matter, such as family, friends, personal growth or admiring surrounding me nature. I’m not a kind of a cog which wants to take part in the rat race at any cost, but it doesn’t mean I’m totally deprived of ambition.
A huge bucket of cold water, which was unexpectedly thrown on my head, was the information of a person’s death, someone who used to live in my neighborhood, someone who I didn’t really know in person, but I used to see him quite regularly during past dozen or so years. I got to know about this death a month after it had actually happened, and I was truly surprised with the fact that everyone around me knew about it. It gave me some food for reflection, namely I realized that I focus on totally wrong things and I slowly forget to live my own life, a life from a human perspective and not the one related to my work. Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t have a wonderful career, I don’t earn lots of money, as then I would be justified when it comes to some life negligence. Unfortunately, I pursue something, but I don’t exactly know what. As gratification is disproportionately low to the fact that my life is just passing by. Sometimes I’d love to have my intelligence below average and live in my own world being happy with petty things, not knowing that we can live in a different way. Sadly, the sole awareness of life we would like to lead is not sufficient enough, if for some reasons we are not able to make our dreams come true. When it comes to me, the main problem consists of certain mental blocks, which occurred when I was working in the places which left huge negative marks on my psyche and took shape of irrational fears related to everything what’s new and unknown. Fortunately, changing my job, allowed me to slowly come back to my old self. However, we can get ill in the blink of an eye, but it’s much more difficult to get rid off such problems afterwards.
My dream would be to change my surroundings completely, to look at things from a different angle. It’s difficult to notice certain problems if we don’t back off a little bit. I’d like to lead a life free from constraints and self-sacrifices, on the contrary, I’d like to fill it with passion to things which I do and thanks to such an attitude gain results, which I’m certainly able to reach, but at the time being I can’t get any close to them as I can’t spread my wings when it comes to things I’m really good at. I dream about simple things, about mornings spent on the porch with a hot cup of tea in my hand admirning the beauty of surrounding me nature, and about the evenings spent with people who are simply important for me. I look forward to days filled with hard work, but the one which doesn’t only let me earn decent money, but also allows me to gain certain satisfaction out of things I do. Life without any specific goals or prospects is rather dull, a mere existence which can totally overwhelm us one day and in the same way deprive us of happiness related to the fact that we’re lucky enough to be around for a few seconds in the comparison with the length of our planet’s life. I feel like slowing down, not looking at my watch all the time, worrying that I haven’t managed to do something others expect me to do in a given time again.
I often hear that I should do this or that, as everything I need is at my fingertips. The complexity of our psyche is impenetrable and sometimes such words can really motivate us, whereas in other cases a certain help is needed and this helping hand won’t be rejected for sure. I hope that one day I’ll manage to spread my wings and catch good wind in my sails. We should remember that it’s worth following our dreams and it’s good to know when to ask for help.
See you around!
Photos by: Jonathan Borba, JESHOOTS.COM, Aline de Nadai, Damir Kotorić, Irina, Marek Rucinski, Jon Tyson, Jonathan Borba, Austin Distel, Jessica Rockowitz, Raspopova Marina, Allison Heine, Alexander Schimmeck on Unsplash