This year is slowly coming to its end, which makes us stop and think. Some of you will be grieving over the New Year’s resolutions, which you haven’t fulfilled again … while the others will be railing against their jobs, which they haven’t had enough courage to change. There will also be those who despite making more or less courageous attempts, will be spending their New Year’s Eve lonely, thinking whether it’s supposed to be like that forever.
Well, it doesn’t really need to be like that! Everyone has the right to be in a happy relationship, which one will start at peace with oneself and in harmony with one’s own personal beliefs. What if lack of time and opportunities gets in the way of meeting the right person, and not only a substitute of a person you would like to be with? Maybe some of you don’t really complain about shortage of time and possibilities, but the real problem is the fact that you’re shy and not courageous enough to meet someone truly valuable?
If you can’t deal with this kind of difficulties on your own, and you feel that not having this one special person ruins your personal plans … it’s high time to see a specialist … a person, who will prepare you well to start a new chapter in your life. Today, I’ve got great pleasure to introduce you to Kornel Tomicki – a coach of man-woman relations, whose task is not only to solve your problems related to lack of partner, but also to build your self-confidence and the ability to make new contacts with the opposite sex.
Passion Piece: Could you tell my readers a few words about yourself?
Kornel: My name’s Kornel Tomicki, I’m the author of a book about the attractiveness (you can download it for free here), as well as handbooks for men and women. I also run a blog, and on a daily basis, I help people building conscious relationships – from sharing my knowledge related to the topic of meeting new people through building self-confidence, attractiveness and relationships to providing psychological principles in the form of research.
Personally, I live in Kraków. I’ve dealt with the subject of man-woman relations since 2012, and some time ago I came up with an idea that it would be really great to immerse in this field even deeper – that’s why, I’m a psychology student, too. I’m also interested in sexology, since for quite some time, I’ve observed increasing difficulties of Poles in the bedroom. I like taking risks and solving intricate problems. Once in a while, I set myself a goal which seems to be unrealistic in the eyes of others, because of that attitude some of my friends say that I must be crazy (laughter).
Passion Piece: You are a coach of man-woman relations. Where did you come up with the idea of such a specialization?
Kornel: It started out just as a small thing. As a really young teenager I looked upon my boy friends with envy, since they didn’t seem to have any difficulties in contacts with the opposite sex. They were self-confident, they knew what to talk about with women and they gave the impression of being experts in this matter since the day of their birth. I was wondering how it was possible that they were able to do some things while I wasn’t. One day, I had reached the final straw and I decided to type the words ‘how to pick up a girl’ into a search engine. Unfortunately, the Internet wasn’t as much popular at that time as it is now, and no reliable websites popped out. Some time later, while I was buying my electric guitar, I found common ground with the shop assistant quite fast. We started a conversation on private matters and … I told him that I couldn’t find myself a girlfriend, and that I’d really like to be in a relationship.
It turned out that he used to have similar problems in the past and he sent me a book written by a coach dealing with man-woman relations (unfortunately, I don’t remember the title of this book now). It helped me to understand how to be attractive, self-confident and manly in practical terms. This world swallowed me up quite fast. I found the author of the book on Youtube and I watched a few of his videos. It occurred that there were almost no bloggers dealing with the topic of man-woman relationships, but there were several videos on Youtube. I had watched all of them a few times and I tried to understand their meaning. I was field-testing some of the solutions which worked out for me and I rejected the ones which weren’t made for me.
This was a time when so called ‘browser games’ were popular on the Internet. People weren’t afraid of sharing their Gadu Gadu number – which was a common instant messaging app back then. They weren’t also scared of giving their private telephone numbers to complete strangers on the Internet. Thanks to such a possibility I played these games quite often, I met a lot of new people and that included a large proportion of women. At that time, I was still too young to travel around Poland freely, so I didn’t actually meet all of these girls, but through a conversation – by trial and error – I learned what we would call now the art of flirtation. Many times I discussed very important topics with them, for example: we talked about the values women like in men, about the things they find attractive in the opposite sex. Girls often shared their private problems with me. After some time I started dating in the real world. After a year, I met my first girlfriend and we both got on really well. If I hadn’t gone through all these difficulties, we would probably have stayed only in the friend zone.
And that was the beginning. My girl friends started looking at me in a different way, some of them tried to pick me up, even though I was already in the relationship at that time. I was no longer afraid of having conversations with them, I knew more about the mechanisms typical of man-woman relations, what is attractive and what isn’t. I became self-confident and I gained the position of a very sociable person in my group. A man with whom others like spending their time and joking around. The one who is not afraid of taking risks. In a nutshell, my world turned upside down. The change which happened in my life had been seen impossible by some of my friends before. Well, if there’s something you really want to gain and you are determined enough, after some time everything becomes possible.
When I was a little bit older, it happened that every spare moment I had was devoted to studying and gaining new knowledge. My friends noticed that, so they started asking me some questions related to self-confidence, flirtation and attractiveness. I helped them, however I was still looking at their problems with a grain of salt – personally, I believed that it was me who crawled out of the biggest hole, and my friends needed one or two pieces of advice, unlike me, they didn’t have to change their whole lives.
I was wrong. They didn’t ask more questions, because they felt ashamed to do so. Unfortunately, a man’s ego often doesn’t allow men to admit their mistakes, that made me think that I was the only person in Poland struggling with such huge difficulties related to man-woman relations.
And one fine day, I signed up on several forums dealing with the subject of relationships. It occurred that I could solve around 90% of all the problems, which had appeared on these forums. What’s more, I was shocked to see that the same problems, which I used to have in the past, were typical of a great number of other men. Most of them just decided not to talk about these difficulties.
I wrote quite a lot, tried to help and carried out free of charge consultations to understand and to gain a better insight into the source of a given problem. In this way, I could simply solve it. I realized for good that it wasn’t only me who had difficulties with shyness, lack of confidence and understanding the gentle sex. I quite fast gained the expert status and since I had already been staying on the subject of man-woman relations for a few years, I had a thought it would be a good idea to become a coach. That was practically just a formality, as at that time, I had already been working as a coach for a few months, I just didn’t charge people for that.
Passion Piece: Is there a high demand for this kind of services in Poland?
Kornel: Of course, and it’s constantly increasing, although most of the times no one is willing to say it out loud. To this day, a significant part of the population believes that if one wants to be attractive or self-confident, one has to be born like that and there’s no other option. Because of this totally wrong myth many people diminish the importance of such services and openly laugh at them, since they were growing up in such a faith for years and they believed that if they weren’t able to contact with the opposite sex well, it had to be like that forever. Hopefully, it started slowly changing. Quite a lot of people have some problems with that sphere, however more and more of them find courage to admit that fact and try to seek for help.
Facebook groups or Internet forums are bursting at the seams with these topics related to building relationships, attractiveness, flirtation and self-confidence. We’re slowly getting more and more conscious as a nation, which makes me really happy.
Passion Piece: Which mistakes are the most commonly made by your clients?
Kornel: The most common mistake is lack of regular education in this field. People tend to think that if they have read one article on self-confidence, they don’t need to do anything more until the end of their lives. If I’m visited by not a very attractive person who lacks self-confidence, but he or she listens carefully to what I am saying and does practical exercises, reads a lot and watches the materials related to this topic – he or she will gain positive results much faster than a person who is attractive and self-confident, but he or she occasionally asks some questions or reads an article.
The second matter is believing in myths. Men often think that declaration of love on the first date is the best thing they could possibly do. Unfortunately, feelings develop slowly and such a behavior may put some women off. Some ladies were brought up in the model promoting the following belief: ‘ It’s the guy’s role to win your heart’, so they do completely nothing to develop their relationships, and after a time they are surprised with the fact that men stop arranging meetings, calling or sending text messages to them. Well, chasing the rabbit is interesting, but it never continues forever.
Passion Piece: What advice would you give to all the ones looking for an ideal partner?
Kornel: Unbelievable, you have almost answered this question on your own (laughter). First of all, they should patiently LOOK FOR them. My experience has shown that most of the people declaring ‘searching for a partner’ – stay at home in the evenings, drink hot tea and keep complaining about their poor fate. If one meets two new people during a month or spends time in the same circle of friends, he or she will rather not find an ideal partner. One needs to approach relationships like any other life skills. You won’t learn how to play tennis well if you spend just one hour a month on the court.
Like you can’t learn a foreign language if you don’t speak this language at all – you attend classes once a week and you believe that learning only grammar and vocabulary will be enough to communicate fluently in this particular language. You need to regularly go out of your warm and cozy home to get to know new people, as well as to work on the relations which you are trying to maintain at the moment.
The second important issue – you need to pursue the ideal, but there are no ideals. And here the two main problems appear: we have either unrealistic or too high expectations – caused by the American movies, so we reject at once a new person which appears in our lives or we don’t really know who we are looking for – how can you get what you want if you don’t know what you are looking for?
I strongly advise you to make a list of the things you want – if you look for a wonderful dancer – it will be easier for you to find him while attending ballroom dancing classes rather than spending time with people who meet just to play chess. If your passion are TV series, you love spending your spare time under a warm blanket holding a cup of tea in your hand – you can’t imagine an evening without watching a new episode on Netflix – a group for travelers who spend more time outdoors rather than indoors is also not the best idea. These are some very simple tips, but unfortunately, we often forget about them.
I also advise you to think of the character traits, skills and general lifestyle you value in other people.
A part of my clients look for a brunette who is 180 cm tall and weighs 73,5 kg, with dark complexion wearing black trousers and a bright shirt. Physical attributes are described here very well, but we lack the intellectual values. I put aside the fact that it might be difficult to find a person matching a similar description, but let’s imagine, just hypothetically, that some of the women find such a man. After some time, it occurs that a relationship with a man – who looks wonderful, but doesn’t represent anything more besides that – doesn’t belong to the happiest ones and ends quite fast, leaving only disappointment.
Passion Piece: What do you consider to be your greatest success?
Kornel: Educating myself constantly in the subject I truly love. Many experts from different fields, at some point, stop gaining new knowledge, because they think that they already know everything. It destroys them. I know that from my own experience, while starting my first relationship I was on an ego trip and after a few months I stopped self-educating. This had really disastrous effects, and we broke up after a year.
I realized then that I should never stop learning. I have never made the same mistake, and even now, when someone says that I know everything I strongly disagree. The more knowledge I gain the more conscious I become, I understand the fact that I still don’t know some things and that I may never get to know them. Life is constant learning and drawing conclusions from all the mistakes we have made, everyone who wants to gain success should be aware of that fact.
The second issue is fending off criticism, as the subject of man-woman relations is a bit of a taboo – just like sex. Many people presume that everyone knows how to approach that matter and no learning in this sphere is needed. They tend to react negatively when someone proposes any kind of education in this particular area. I stopped caring about that a long time ago, I treat it really indulgently and pityingly, however this particular business is often criticized, so people with fragile psyches sometimes just can’t stand that. When the criticism is constructive – I always join in the discussion and I try to get to know someone else’s point of view as well as I can. However, a great part of these are just hateful words.
Passion Piece: How did you come up with an idea of setting up a blog?
Kornel: While I was giving advice on different Internet forums, after some time, I noticed that a large number of questions started repeating. I thought that it would be a good idea to create one website on which I could write answers to particular topics in a form of in-depth articles, which would resolve most of the doubts related to certain matters. It turned out that it was a real success – people just needed something like that. At the moment, I try to answer around 10-15 messages daily and I’m not always able to explain everyone everything they’re interested in. Fortunately, my articles and my courses do that on my behalf.
Moreover, thanks to running my blog I noticed that difficulties in man-woman relations are not only typical of men. From woman’s perspective it may seem to be strange (laughter), but for a long time I believed that only men have problems with shyness, flirtation or building relationships. One day, when I entered my blog, it occurred that it was read by more women than men. Since that moment, I also started teaching women, which was welcomed really well. It made me create a separate course for women, which was earlier available only for men.
Passion Piece: What are you other passions?
Kornel: I love sport, specifically running and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I pay great attention to the amount of my physical activity, as it directly influences the energy level and the efficiency of my work. I’m also interested in psychology, which is not only related to man-woman relations. I like to speak in front of people, no matter how big the audience may be – from kindergarten till the end of high school, I would perform in various theatrical plays and I plan to come back to this passion one day – acting introduced many positive aspects into my life.
Besides this, I like music – both when it comes to creating and listening to music – I don’t like restricting myself to only one genre. I devour everything what makes sense to me, from rap to classical music. In the past, I was a vocalist in a punk rock band and despite the fact that it had little to do with real music, I got to like this role and I also plan to come back to this passion one day. Most possibly in the form of a solo album, however time will tell.
This year, I have explored the subject of investing in real property, so I’ll probably deal with this kind of business actively in the near future. Of course, my main occupation will still be coaching related to man-woman relations, because it makes me feel really alive – I could even say that it’s what I live for, as it’s a really responsible job – a kind of a mission – which I set myself as a goal some time ago.
Passion Piece : What are your professional plans for the nearest future?
Kornel: Most of all improving myself in what I’m currently doing. Today, I’m a coach, I teach in Polish and mostly Poles. In the next 10 years I’d like to set up a coaching school, where one could learn about man-woman relations in an active and open way – not like now – during courses which not too many people know about or on my blog which attracts minority, and majority knows nothing about my website. Moreover, I’d like to employ the best coaches from the whole country to teach in my school, so that everyone could receive the best possible kind of service.
I’m also interested in expanding into foreign markets, which will certainly take a lot of time, but with a proper mission, which already exists and ambitious people it’s a realistic goal.
When it comes to the nearest future, I will soon be launching a special series for men, which will be focused mainly on the sexual life. I’ve noticed such a need among my clients and as I’ve already said – because of the country and culture we live in – it’s getting worse. I’m not going to reveal any more details, let’s leave it a mystery.
Passion Piece: Which motto would you like to share with my readers?
Ah, if I’m supposed to choose only one, it will be really difficult. I’d like to share two mottoes:
‘You get in life what you believe you deserve.’
‘The selfish person makes what he needs. The unselfish person says: I am gonna make more than I need.’
Passion Piece: Thank you very much for this truly inspiring interview, and I hope that your professional dreams will soon come true.
Kornel: Thank you for this conversation and I greet warmly all the readers of Passion Piece blog.
I hope that this interview will make you stop and think. Happiness is at your fingertips, you just need to find enough courage to reach for it!
See you around!
Photos by: Kornel Tomicki
Website you should visit: https://badzjeszczelepszy.pl/category/blog